It Did Happen

Do you hear me?

I scream: why don’t you hear me?!

I was never made invisible!

I was born, like all of you

I breathe, like you

I sweat, like you

I bleed, granted, somewhat differently than you

But still

You have no right to silence me

I exist

As do you all

I was hurt, but it did happen

You deny it

It didn’t happen

I shout my pain

It didn’t happen

My temples burn in pain

It didn’t happen

It didn’t happen

Nothing ever happens

I am not a doll! My eyes aren’t made of glass!

I even speak your language

We don’t understand you

I was broken, I was hurt

It’s not on file

There aren’t fingerprints or proof

Unless memories are proof enough

They’re not,

Sweetie, they’re not

My knees bend

I draw a breath

I’m alone

Another breath

I look at you, you glance away

Gagged but still I scream

It happened, damn you all

It didn’t happen,

It didn’t happen

Such things, they do not happen

It didn’t happen

 

Yes it did

 

~

 

It Did Happen is about the silence from society when it comes to child molestation. It’s as if it’s really inconvenient to admit it happens, so one doesn’t. And that makes it so much harder for us survivors to talk about it…

Half An Inch

Your lips are half an inch from mine, and still it’s not enough

Your breath is here upon my own, but I don’t want to stop

You pull me somewhat closer, your hands upon my hips

And half an inch is halved again, I can no longer breathe

Your hand is running up my back, resting on my neck

I feel your fingers in my hair, and still it’s not enough

Hesitating seconds more, and eons seem to pass

Waiting still while feeling you, and I want more to come

This distance growing shorter still, while my desire sears

Your lips are touching mine, yet only brushing them

I’m begging you to kiss me, but can’t say it aloud

Just feeling your soft mouth, a hint of mint inside

My body, tip to toe, is screaming for this kiss,

My soul about to burst and I want you to know

Finally, after lifetimes pass, you pull me even closer

Your upper lip is parting mine, I let the fire burn

Your tongue finds mine, embraces mine, it plays and hungers deeper

As you kiss me, I lapse deeper, falling completely into you

 

~

I thought it was time for something romantic 🙂

06:32 AM

06:32 AM. I was born
and the stars gasped. They couldn’t handle it:
The future. The chaos it would bring.
The stars cried because a child so young,
So precious and beautiful wouldn’t survive.
Even with mommies and daddies around,
loneliness appeared.
I was born and my world ended. The moon bled
and the stars screamed.

 

you should have known

you should’ve known

that pain can be invisible

should’ve seen through the walls

kept your ear to my door

you should’ve known that I broke off,

body in bed, mind somewhere else and

memories cut off, one by one

should’ve known that I was gone, dead

should’ve known

you should’ve known

you should’ve known

that I’m a china doll

and they break so easily

pretty girls with pretty hair and perfect nails,

they may exist but I’m not one of them

and that, you should’ve known

you should know me, know I’m here

not in a fantasy of the perfect daughter

should’ve listened, should’ve seen

should’ve talked about it, should’ve opened your eyes

should have believed, should’ve been there

should have known

you should have known

Games

Time for two more poems, but I feel I need to say something about them first. I’m a survivor of child molestation and I’m trying hard to get through the memories that only recently surfaced. Writing helps. A lot. Right now, I feel I’ve come to a point where I need to share what happened to me, need to disclose it, at least in some ways. Therefore, I give you It Was All Innocent and Legacies, in where I’ve tried to portray how having suffered these abuses affect me today.

 

It Was All Innocent

It might have begun with innocence

Curiosity on anatomy

A finger here, a nail or two there

I guess you didn’t know better

Today I’m a woman

And you’re a boy, so sweet

We’ve played a game;

You were the pawn, in for the kill

I the king who fell to his knees

Innocent games have fatal outcomes

It’s a dangerous one we’ve played, my dear

 

Legacies

There are dangers in every corner

Lurking around the house

A demon in the closet

A barghest in the attic

A banshee in the basement

And ghosts under my bed

You placed them there, remember?

 

It’s funny, I’m frightened, a lady,

yet I’m scared of whispers in shadows

You put them there, remember?

 

Phantoms, specters and wraiths

These ghosts that I can’t see

Haunting my sleep, disturbing my days

You hid them there, remember?

 

The pillow I grabbed, the cover I clutched

The memories quelled, the ones that stuck

And all the things I now recall

The pain is burnt on my skin, tattooed by you

And you put it there, lay it all over me

And I wonder, when I cannot sleep

Do you remember any of it?

Unforgiven

It isn’t enough to wonder why

My finger pressed against my forehead

Don’t notice it burrowing into my brain

What is pain against this?

Funny thing is, I think you just…slipped

Yet when losing footage,

one can still break one’s spine

And you crushed mine

Apologies aren’t enough

This time it’s too real

Maybe you’re sincere, maybe not

Maybe I don’t care anymore

I’m covered in wet blankets, pulling tight

Picking up the shards of my spine

A jigsaw puzzle of 10 000 pieces

Near impossible to complete

Our work is done, we’re gone, we’re through

I’d like you to think of the future, ‘cuz

you’ll spend every coming hour, every season,

regretting,

Unforgiven.

 

Written when I was feeling violated by another’s mistake. I was able to forgive them, though, which I’m happy about today.

Visitors

I had a dream one night and I couldn’t seem to put it out of my mind. I was in a train car, sitting by the window, lost in thought. A slim, beautiful woman with long, blonde hair sat herself opposite myself. “Don’t let my pretty makeup fool you,” she said. “I’m really a prostitute.”

“I-what?”

“Just thought you should know.”

She started telling me these things. “Yeah, I’ve been a hooker since I was 15, just needed to get out of the house, make some money, you know? I guess it was the easiest way. Men like to penetrate me without a condom, they don’t care if I get pregnant or not, just assume I’d get an abortion if I do. Or not. Hardly their problem, right? Some enjoy hitting me, too. Not all of them, though.” The woman shrugged and gazed out of the window.

The train stopped and the prostitute got off. A middle-aged man took her place opposite my seat. He gave me an annoyed look, spitting out “What?”

“Nothing,” I responded quickly.

“Alright, look, I’m just going back to my place, take the gun from my pack there,” he nodded to the compartment above, “and blow my brains out. I won’t be anyone’s burden then, will I?”

“I…guess not.”

“I just want to die,” the man said, gazing out the window. At the next stop, he got off.

Two kids, a boy and a girl, got on and sat on the two opposite seats next to me. The boy was around 10, the girl a couple years younger. “Hi, I’m Blake,” the boy said. “This is my sister Sarah.”

“Hi Blake, hi Sarah,” I said.

“My sister doesn’t talk much. She’s a little bitch.”

“Hey. That’s a little girl you’re talking about.”

“A little girl that loooves me doing sex with her all night. Don’t you, Sare?”

The child just gazed out the window.

Next stop was mine. Somehow it felt wrong to just leave that girl with her brother, but I had an errand to run. I didn’t know what kind of errand, just that it was more important than anything on the train. When I woke up that night, I was feeling really confused. It was as if my mind was trying to tell me something. I decided to blow it off. See, I’ve never put much stock in fictional dreams. It’s not as if they happen in the real world.

Know That I Love You

a dozen hours before morning

I tucked you in without forewarning

thought ”I love you” but not aloud

you had always made me proud

no need for counting sheep

I fell so easily asleep 

dreamed of bunnies in the sun

laughing as they chased you, son

I woke up much too late

in a frenzied panicked state

my pillow growing wetter

I should’ve held you better

but I did not, and life is cruel

no more will you go to school

wish I’d said what is so true

that I love no one as I love you

making sure that you knew

there is no love as mine for you

and the most powerful desire

is to have saved us from the fire

~

Written after a fire in my building, where one person died. It really affected me.

please help me i’m invisible

help me please, i’m dying here
and i can’t even speak
this is a dream, a bad, bad dream
but there is no ending

Sorry, you’re invisible
Just a clip at 8 o’clock
You have no face, you have no name
It’s my western planet

but the bomb hit my house again
and the bad man killed my mom
i can’t read but i do know
about guns, and i know
about wounds

Well guns are bad and people mean
But that’s the world today
Why do anything if you can’t do everything
I’m busy making dinner

it’s all right, it’s done, isn’t it?
because i’ve lost my soul
my heart still pumps, my lungs still breathe
but my mind was shattered
a long time ago
my one and only sister died
she was as old as me
never spoke and never wrote
her smile was disabled
we’re all gone – alive or dead
in my eyes that’s strange
i’m too young for reasoning
yet violence i am forced
to know and understand

A Chilly Wind

A wind is blowing me away

Not like a scent that lingers

Breezing past my fingers

It’s chilly today

Will these gusts dissolve?

Will we keep complaining?

Our inner values waning

since we are involved

A wind is blowing me away

How long can we say: “it’s okay”?

~

Sweden is changing. Xenophobia is spreading at an alarming rate and it makes me so sad. We have a dysfunctional system where many immigrants are living in the fringes of our society. Instead of helping them, people want them gone. Instead of taking in those that have to flee their homelands because they are in imminent danger, people want to close our borders. I’m angry and disappointed at my own country. A xenophobic party called The Swedish Democrats (Sverigedemokraterna), or simply SD, have gone from being a quiet unpopular player to the third biggest party here. They are in our parliament, and I want them gone. I believe in democracy so I want them to leave as voters wish it. Yet despite several scandals where SD has been involved in violence and racism, their popularity rises. I do what I can to make people see their true nature and accept that our fellow man isn’t just those born in our country and our neighboring ones. It’s everyone across the world, regardless of language, skin tone or origin.